the fire in leaf and grass

it's official

2007-08-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

paperwork was processed on july 30 and i was notified today.

i feel... no different. at this point, it's just a formality.

the only real change- my name. back to what it once was. not sure what that might be? drop me a line, sugar, and i'll fill you in.

also i learned today that i do not in fact have breast cancer.

so.

a significant day, all around.

start to finish ms!

2007-07-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

big bike ride is this weekend. 150 miles over two days, from broomfield to ft. collins, co and back.

wish me luck!

hey y'all

2007-06-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

hello my lovelies

haven't checked in for a couple of weeks- since we last spoke i spent some quality time in georgia (hence the title of the post) and detroit, and now i'm gearing up for a week in the big apple.

work is fine overall though Certain Individuals continue to drive me right up the wall.

bike riding is going great and my borrowed bike has now become my owned bike, thank you mr. flanders. i did fall over yesterday, in case you were wondering. finished my ride, stopped in front of my house, took my right foot out of the cleat and promptly fell over on my left side. nice scrape on my knee and elbow and pride, but otherwise i am fine. fortunately, no one was watching.

um.

i am on the Perpetual Quest to lose weight, and i think i am on track again finally.

and also...

um...

huh. i guess i don't have a lot to report on. pretty much my life consists of, get up, run or ride my bike, go to work, grumble grumble grumble, come home, ride my bike or walk in the park, have dinner, read and/or do some work, go to bed, repeat. not very exciting, but i'm happy, and that's enough, right?

i do get to visit the d-o-double-g tomorrow night, so that is good news. i don't get to see her too often.

ok, that's all i've got. check ya later.

hooray!

2007-06-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

happy birthday camobunny!

the world is a better place with you in it.

i am so thankful to have you as a friend! hope it is a happy day, indeed. sorry i'm missing the party!

d-day

2007-06-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

today is the anniversary of the american invasion of normandy.

it is also international metal day.

and memorial day, in south korea.

and a national holiday in sweden.

and queensland day in, you guessed it, queensland.

it also is, or would have been, my 9th wedding anniversary.

ach.

2007-06-05T11:26:00.001-07:00

my boss, who drives me nuts, blew off her meeting with me this morning, over which i had been agonizing, and for which i had been preparing a Carefully Crafted Speech requesting her further guidance and direction in my work and most importantly her ambassadorship throughout the organization as i assert myself as the peer of the colleague who drives me nuts as opposed to her assistant.

i am... taken aback? rebuffed. insulted.

i don't know what i am. but i don't like it.

and also

2007-06-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

perhaps you would like to see a bit of my recent journey abroad...

a few images posted below for your viewing pleasure

lammetjes

sisko and mr cat in the koek

amster! amster! (dam dam dam!)

at last! at long, long last!

2007-06-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

perhaps you didn't miss me as much as i wish you missed me.

but then again, perhaps you did.

here beginnith the long-awaited and oh-so-desperately anticipated Eventual Update.

ok my lovelies, it’s about time, wouldn’t you say? absent from the blogosphere for long enough. you know you get to this point where it’s been months since my last real post, and there is so much to say, and it just feels overwhelming… but it’s not going to get any less so, so i might as well just get on with it!

ok so here are the updates, in no particular order.

amsterdam. had a perfectly lovely week in the dam with sisko and mr. cat. really it was truly great. weekend spent on an idyllic farm, week days spent walking in the sunshine and visiting museums, evenings spent with two of my favorite people in the world. and coon kitty of course. it was thoroughly relaxing, great to get away, and was a much needed reminder that the world is a lot bigger than my little lair.

speaking of which.

the lair. still kickin’ it at m&d’s place, which has its drawbacks but which in general is Quite Fantastic. i mean, m irons my trousers. seriously. and there is Dinner Available every evening with a Vegetarian Option should i so choose. and they of course are kind and loving and unreservedly supportive, and are currently charging me only the most nominal sum in rent, so you can’t beat it.

the lou. i spent a few days in stl mixing business and pleasure- had a great business trip and tacked on a couple of days with my buddies. and as far as that is concerned, i just have to say, and please forgive my presumptiveness, but i really do have the coolest friends in the world. it was such a very good time. good conversations and snacks and sunshine and an indelible reminder that i am loved by a lot of people, who fortunately i also happen to love quite dearly. i don’t know when i’ll make it back there any time soon, so i’m so glad this trip worked out.

which is not to say that all of my cool friends happen to be located in the lou. because indeed, they do not. got a couple of girlies in other towns who are rock solid as always. i even got to go visit goetzgirl a few weeks back and FINALLY got to meet two of her three little people for the first time. i’m not feeling sufficiently verbose to tell you of the goodness of that particular visit- let’s just say that i got to be more honest and real in those few hours than i have been in most of my life recently, and i overflowed with happiness. i feel like in our life we sometimes have the chance to know a kindred spirit- she is certainly mine.

also finally keeping in better touch with the cb, the earlier not-as-successful-keeping-in-touch of which i attribute entirely to myself. she is one of those people where we both just completely get each other- no questions, no judgments, no nothing- it’s like we are just in sync- understanding, liking, keeping on.

the kitty. no longer exists. was ‘given away’ in an emergency situation, which methinks translates into, died. so. no kitty for me for now. which is actually ok, since i have (a) no time and (b) no money to care for said kitty. but still and all. the good news is that sisko got a new kitty of her own, the photos of whom i cannot wait to see. (ahem)

um, what else.

work is fine. my boss and colleague drive me nuts to the point of wanting to quit about 3 times a day. well, more like 3 times a week. which still, is bordering on unmanageable.

bike ride training is also going well, we did a 50 mile ride on saturday on which i was a veritable rock star, especially considering that my Stupid Stupid bike shoe cleat things were functioning improperly and i had to do the ride in tennis shoes. i did take the bike into the shop yesterday and got the pedals adjusted, whereupon i was also informed (to my great and understandable dismay) that my bike (which, let me point out, is not even my bike) requires some $200 worth of work to make it safe enough to ride around the block. yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard me correctly, i rode 50 miles, over hill and dale, and over the river and through the woods, and wherever have you, on a bicycle that was too dangerous to ride around the block. right. angels or somethin' was watchin' over me.

and what else. trips coming up to hot-lanta and orlando and new york city (new york city?!?) and Various Other Destinations… should be a busy few months.

ok do we feel sufficiently caught up on all the comings and goings, so that i may proceed apace with perhaps more frequent postings? and will you tell me, my darlings, if there is more information that you require? alright then.

are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

good mother

2007-05-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

i've got money in my pocket
i like the color of my hair
i've got a friend who loves me
got a house, i've got a car
i've got a good mother
and her voice is what keeps me here

feet on ground
heart in hand
facing forward
be yourself
i've never wanted anything
no i've, no i've, i've never wanted anything
so bad... so bad

cardboard masks of all the people i've been
thrown out, with all the rusted
tangled dented god damned miseries
you could say i'm hard to hold
but if you knew me you'd know
i've got a good father
and his strength is what makes me cry

feet on ground
heart in hand
facing forward
be yourself
i've never wanted anything
no i've, no i've, i've never wanted anything
so bad... so bad

feet on ground
heart in hand
feet on ground
heart in hand....

-jann arden

lord have mercy

2007-04-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

words from peter eaton, the dean at my current church.

once again we have the news that a gunman has killed young people on a school campus, and the first reports indicate that this is the worst mass shooting in our history. this fills us all with a range of emotions, and it is no surprise that today’s shooting once again leaves us stunned, bewildered, grieving, fearful. for us in Colorado, it opens up for us the wound of columbine.

why did this happen? we may never know the answer. here, as in so many of these apparently random acts of violence, the gunman is also dead, and whatever may have been his reasons have died with him. and this only magnifies the pain and confusion. it all seems so senseless, and we all feel so vulnerable.

but there is a sense that, even if we knew why the gunman did this, the answer would not satisfy us. because no answer satisfies a broken heart. so in the face of this terrible act of violence, we do what christians have done down the ages when their hearts have cried out for reasons why: we turn to God in prayer, and we turn to each other in support.

we pray for those who have died, that God may give them rest. we pray for those who have been wounded and who are fighting for their lives, that God may surround them in love. we pray for the families of the dead and the injured, that God may give them hope even in a day of darkness. we pray for all who are helping, especially the doctors and nurses, that God may give them steady judgement and healing hands. we pray, as we are bound, for the one who did this, for the forgiveness of his sins and for the salvation of his soul. and we pray for ourselves and for those whom we love, that we may be committed anew to building a world in which such acts of violence know no place.

lord, in your mercy... hear our prayer.

thanks

2007-04-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

wow- you guys rock. you know who you are. thanks for your kindness and goodness and friend-y-ness to me.

you are just what i needed.

and so i am feeling much better. thank you.

help

2007-04-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

ok so somebody said that i shouldn't be afraid to ask for help when i need it.

i need it.

i'm not sure what i need. maybe you could send me an email and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

none of us is exempt.

2007-03-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

there is an appointed time for everything.

and there is a time for every event under heaven.

a time to give birth, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build up.
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
a time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones;
a time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
a time to search, and a time to give up as lost;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away.
a time to tear apart, and a time to sew together;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

it's right there in ecclesiastes. as true today as it was when it was written. it's what human life on earth is all about- and who are we to think it doesn't apply to us? and that when the bad things happen, that it must be a terrible mistake? and that someone has to pay?

woo hoo!

2007-03-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

big news for today is that the Potential Trip has evolved into a Confirmed Trip, and i am so excited! as you might imagine i am feeling ready for a little escape, and this will be just the ticket. my favorite city, a couple of my favorite people, long walks, museums, tulips... good times.

so.

in other news, i am traveling between homes for the next few days as both suomies and m&d are out of town. so i'm on double pet-and-mail duty. but i'm ok with that- i am actually looking forward to a little personal space.

other updates... i have been meeting with Various Professionals and things are progressing in an ok fashion with the ugly parts of my life. not as easy as one might have hoped- but these sorts of things never are, i suppose.

also it seems i am going to receive a New Pet, whose photo i shall hereby display:

pretty cute, huh? it currently lives in wyoming but soon will live with me.

and i think that's about all i have to report.

cheers!

miss me?

2007-03-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

hi kiddos

crazy days here, and i haven't posted in a long time... but i wanted to let you all know that i am doing ok. one day at a time.

one thing i am learning, is that having a couple of truly good friends makes all the difference in the world. thank you for emailing me, and calling me, and checking in on me. i need you. i love you.

i have a Potential Trip on the horizon, which feels like a big sunny light at the end (or at least in the middle) of the current tunnel.

anyway, not much to say. but i'm here, and i'm ok, and i'm thankful for you.

seas

2007-02-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

hello my lovelies

so i am in florida this week, and it is so sunny and warm and lush with palm trees, you wouldn't even believe it. such a nice change from the snows of frigid colorado.

i am here for work but i did have a few minutes free this afternoon so i went outside to the beach and stood in the sand with my feet in the water, watching the tide come in. the thing about the ocean, is that it is so big, you can just stand there and look out at it, and it never ends. it is very humbling.

there were two pelicans that flew by (they're miracles up in the sky) and endless seagulls. and on the shore, the little jello-y carcasses of some kind of jellyfish. lots of them. i touched them with my toe and they are surprisingly solid. firm. and gross, did i mention that? all rubbery and dead and flopping about in the tide. bleagh.

anyway i always find that the ocean is a good place for thought and prayer and introspection. all of which i need right now.

i haven't told many of you yet but i made a significant and uniquely painful decision a week or so ago. major change in my life- probably the biggest one ever. it was the hardest thing i have ever done... well, second only to communicating that decision to the party involved. hardest and scariest and most painful, by far by far. but now the decision has been made, and life is somehow continuing to continue. that's the surprising thing, isn't it? that there can be death, and yet life goes on.

anyway i am lonely and it's all my fault. and i am so sad, and it's all my fault. and i am guilt-ridden, and it is all my fault. and lots of people are disappointed, and disappointed in me, and it is all my fault. the reasons leading to the decision are not all my fault, just partly my fault, but the decision was mine, and i accept that responsibility. it is difficult to bear, but i have to, because really, it is all my fault.

so.

it is hard to ask for help and support when you are the obvious cause of your own misery. i guess i don't feel like i am entitled to it. so i am feeling pretty lonely and alone, and i guess maybe that is all my fault too.

aaahhh!!

i can see this turning into and endless circle of pain and self-punishment. i guess what i should just do is say, i made this decision, i hope you can trust me that i made it in good conscience and with much prayer and thought and counsel... and now that i made it, and now that i'm sad, can you please offer me any kind of comort...? or... do i just have to suffer through it? is that the deal? you choose this thing, you suffer the consequences? i really have no idea how this is supposed to work. somehow i think that grace and forgiveness is supposed to factor in, but i don't really see that being played out too much. i feel a heavy burden. i feel a huge weight of responsibility. even though i still believe this is the best path, for everyone involved.

there is probably a book about this somewhere. i should probably read it.

in the meantime, think good thoughts about me, ok?

v-day

2007-02-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

feeling a little depressed today?

or maybe, just sick of the chocolates and roses and sappy cards and commercialism?

here's something to cheer you up- the list of what NOT to buy!

hello?

2007-02-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

there is nothing so alone as being awake at three o'clock in the morning, in some hotel room.

oh. wow.

2007-02-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

i bought a case of the new cherry zero coke.

just had my first taste.

wow.

you have GOT to try it.

(sure, come on over. i have a whole case, after all)

get your groove on!

2007-02-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

this has had me cracking up all day!

self improvement

2007-02-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

are there things you would like to change about yourself?

i have a few.

well, i have a few things i'd like to change about myself. i like you just fine exactly the way you are.

for example.

i would like to stop biting my nails. it is so gross. very un-hygenic. not to mention that it makes me look so unprofessional and so un-lady-like.

i would like to lose weight. not a whole lot, just 10 or 15 pounds.

i would like to be a better communicator. better at carrying conversations. i am a great listener- really top notch. i can empathize with the best of them. but when the other person is quiet, i generally find i don't have much to say. people sometimes interpret this as being uninterested or disengaged. but not so. i am just not a big talker. so i would like to be better, so that people feel like i am actively participating in the conversation, in the relationship.

i would like to eat more vegetables. they are so good for you. but i hate chopping. which is generally a prerequisite for eating them. sisko stocked up on vegetables this weekend, which makes me feel like a vegetable failure. (wow, stocking up on vegetables. that sounds like what i do with soap or paper towels. i think if i stocked up on vegetables i would also have to stock up on anti-mold products. which is not how i would like to operate.)

anyway. those are a few of the things that are on my mind today.

disappointed

2007-02-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

also, i just have to say boooooo!! to the bears.

NOT strong work.

very disappointing.

better

2007-02-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

so i had a very nice weekend, thank you. my friend kt came into town from hot-lanta and we found ourselves a nice little condo in a nice little ski town and hunkered down for a nice little weekend of cake and beer. and pizza. and maybe some wine. and how about a grilled cheese sandwich. it was gluttonous, and fabulous.

this was a very last-minute visit but we made the most of it. i hadn't seen kt for a year and a half, but we are the kind of friends that pick right up where we left off, as close as ever. which is very nice. anyway it was great to just chill, to catch up and get to have some good old fashioned girl time.

and no, in case you are wondering, we did not have a pillow fight.

so i am feeling stronger and calmer and like i'm not crazy after all, which, again, is very nice.

week ahead looks relatively quiet. a few highlights: lost comes back on wednesday night (!!!!), multiple meetings with Various Professionals on thursday, heading to detroit on friday/saturday (next time, goetzgirl!! have to come home quick for dad's birthday).

i am angry at my job and boss but i am going to keep doing my job so that they shut up about it.

otherwise... not much to report.

oh, except that on the way back from the nice little ski town, we stopped at the nice little outlet mall, wherein i made some nice little purchases. sweater and polo t from j crew, little wallety thing i had been craving from coach (happy birthday to me!), skirt and shirt and interesting suitish thing from banana republic. and some gloves from the north face. all in all, very successful. and i resisted the wheaties cycling jersey.

ok, time to work (just to stick it to them)

cheers!

hard

2007-01-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

hey buddies

i don't really have much to say today. so i thought i would tell you what i learned from a Certain Professional last night.

we were talking about communication/behavioral styles. you know, the whole passive/aggressive/assertive thing. which i've heard about before, but haven't given a whole lot of thought to. so it seems that in some of my primary relationships, i tend towards the passive. the Professional describes this as being a 'nice' person. one that is dishonest (sure, i'd love to help you move this weekend (internal grumble)), but always appropriate (in time and place) and respectful, but generally indirect. ok so yes, this pretty much describes me. i would really rather not tell you that you have hurt me. rather not bring it up and create conflict or make you feel bad for making me feel bad, i'd rather just feel bad all to myself. the other end of this spectrum is the aggressive type, the honest but inappropriate and disrespectful, albeit direct, type. this is so not me. pretty much ever.

then we have the assertive type, the Type To Which We All Aspire. this is the type that is honest, appropriate, respectful, and direct. this is not the nice person, but rather the kind person. and the kind of person i would like to be.

the thing is, though, that i really am this person. and i think a lot of you would probably agree. i am like this at work. i am like this with a lot of my friends. but i am not this in my primary relationships.

(although i did try it- once upon a time i told someone honestly and appropriately and respectfully and directly that they had hurt me... and it pretty much backfired. i guess they weren't ready for the assertive saara.)

but the thing about being assertive (and here is where the engligh major saara kicks in) is that being Honest Appropriate Respectful and Direct is HARD. (nice little acrostic, huh?) yes, it is hard. hard for me, but probably hard for most people. we nice people don't like to rock the boat, don't like to confront people. but it is healthier and better for relationships to be honest.

right?

yes, right.

so that was my homework for the week, and i think i just might try it.

rocking and riding

2007-01-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

oh the other thing i wanted to tell you, is that i am going to be a rock star.

so most of you know that i work for a large national charity, and my primary job description for said organization is to raise money. actually, i just manage the people who raise the money. however, i am now putting my proverbial money where my proverbial mouth is, and actually doing something to raise money, myself.

i am the new team captain for the home office homies, the national office team for our local colorado bike ride.

the bike ride. ah yes. perhaps i should rephrase it. the ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILE bike ride. yes, that's the one. the one where you ride your bike for A HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILES. over the course of two days.

it's a fundraiser, and apparently also quite a good time.

there are, however, a few minor complications.

for example, that i do not own a road bike.

also, that i have never ridden a bike for more than, say, 30 miles at a stretch.

anyway, i am actually pretty excited about it. for quite a while i have wanted, albeit in a sort of passive, wistful sort of way, to be a cyclist. and also, i really do care about the cause we are supporting (that is, the eradication of multiple sclerosis). and i think it will be fun. and a great way to get in shape (see resolution #3). cyclists have pretty great legs, and all.

so.

consider this your 2 minute warning, by the way, that you will at some point in the next few months be approached by yours truly for a contribution to my efforts. i'll get into the touchy-feely pr stuff later, but suffice to say, that facing the prospect of riding my non-existent bike for 150 miles is a lot easier than facing the prospect of a life affected by ms.

but it still makes me a rock star.

big fat lie

2007-01-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

eating a few m&m's does NOT in fact satisfy your craving for chocolate.

what it in fact does, is rev up that craving, like pouring kerosene on your fire. what was initially just a vague little mmm, it would be nice to have something sweet, is instantaneously transformed into a raging, insistent, un-ignorable NEED for more. i simply MUST go back and pour the entire 32-ounce bag of m&m's down my throat. there is no getting around it.

anyway i am blaming my misery and agony on the diet industry which blithely suggests nibbling 5 m&m's when a craving strikes...

as. if.

yo

2007-01-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

it's a bit of a catch-22. which i'd like to talk about.

i started to read that book. i could not finish it. it is one of only two or three books that i haven't been able to finish.

what is interesting, is that someone i know well finds this book to be their favorite book of all time.

anyway.

the catch-22 of which i speak is this- that i want to post, but have nothing interesting to say. so i can choose to either (a) not post (see previous 6 days) or (b) post something non-interesting (see today). both of which leave me feeling impotent and useless.

not quite the proverbial rock and a hard place, but something like that.

so what can i possibly tell you.

it is cold here. still.
our energy bill for the last 30 days was $320.

um, are you kidding me??

although, thinking fondly of my frequently-made-homeless-by-power-outages friend amy back in the lou, i suppose i should be thankful i have electricity at all... but still and all.

went skiing this past monday (props to mlk for facilitating a day off) and it turns out that i am a complete rock star. i'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that i was on New and Fantastic skis. nope, it was my mad skillz. anway, and please refer to an earlier clause, it was cold. like, butt cold. like -8 degrees. farenheit.

i think to myself, why do people do this? and more urgently, why do i do this?

otherwise...

work is busy and good. although i feel somewhat resentful that my boss doesn't completely appreciate how superior i am to all of my fellow employees, i am still managing to work pretty hard and get some good stuff accomplished. which is a good feeling.

taking the hotrod to get a bath on saturday morning.

speaking of which. let's talk about magnesium chloride. thoughts? i like it, myself. though it leaves this strange non-see-throughable film on the rear windshield (how does it even get on the rear windshield?) . but overall, i find it to be a preferable product to the sodium chloride. so. nicely done, denver department of transportation or whomever you might be.

spending sunday afternoon with a friend from work, watching hours of football. and hopefully there will also be beer.

(aside: am i turning into a guy, that the highlights of my weekend are washing my car and watching football?)

um...

i ate yogurt with honey and almonds for breakfast.
big cup of bad coffee during the morning.
palak paneer and a coke zero for lunch.
huge handful of m&m's during a conference call.
i am anticpating an apple within the next hour or so.
dinner will be fried rice. possibly (who am i kidding? definitely) some chocolate.

yes people, i am resorting to telling you what i ate today. this is how low i have sunk. this is seriously all i have to say. i am so humiliated.

oh i did want to say a sneaky little thanks to amy for your niceness on your blog- thank you. i appreciate your friendship and will surely be availing myself of it shortly.

and to jen-nay. i feel completely left out, having apparently not received the email about the a/c vents.

ok well i feel like i should stop. i actually feel like i never should have started, but i am trying to keep at least ONE of my new year's resolutions.

oh and in case you were wondering, i am 2/10 of the way there on resolution number 3.

cheers!

moving on

2007-01-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

so seriously, the best part of a birthday has to be the morning after.

cake for breakfast.

anyway i am now 30 and a day, and it has turned out to be ok after all. yesterday was pretty depressing. and by pretty i mean excrutiatingly. but today is a new day and all of that, and i'm fine.

got some nice presents and some phone calls and emails, and lunch with friends and dinner with suomies and dad. and cake, let's not forget the cake.

brighter days...

2007-01-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

don't stop even for the right thing
does it matter what i say?
my whole world was by that river
flowin' north to meet the sea each day
i don't want to move away

you look at me and ya say "what's wrong boy?"
what else do you want me to say?
i don't want to leave tomorrow
been and gone but i belong here now
your big world can wait another day

brighter days where did they go?

i am hopeful for where i'm goin'
but i belong in the south
that was where i's born a po' boy
livin' life like there's no end in sight
even so I've done without

brighter days where did they go?

boy you about to hit the bottom
i'll be alone i feel i'm movin' where
to a land you never saw and I see you 'bout to hit the bottom
lord help me move away to a land you never saw
and i've seen

brighter days where did they go?

-mofro

30 is the new...?

2007-01-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

the big day. the big 3-0.

kind of depressing.

sisko and mr. cat sent flowers. buddies at work are taking me out to lunch. dinner tonight with suomies and dad.

so i can't complain.

but i don't have to like it.

cold. bereft.

2007-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

welcome to my 100th post.

greetings from minnesota, where i am playing nanook of the north. seriously people, it is completely freezing here. and the sun didn't rise until 8:30. it's nuts.

things are sad today.

mom is in california tending to grandma, who is ill.

sisko's kitty died yesterday.

today is the last day of this particular decade.

i am feeling desperately sad.

if you're the praying type...

2007-01-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

please keep grandma in your thoughts...

she was admitted to the hospital last night. adverse drug reaction, pneumonia.

lord, in your mercy.

brief sampling - redux

2007-01-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

resolutions

2007-01-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

oh and i did make a couple of resolutions. one of them was going to be, update the blog more frequently, but it's already the third day of the year and i'm only on my first (well, second now) post, so i decided since i have already failed at the resolutions (a) i must not have been very resolute and (b) why set myself up like that?

so the other one i have borrowed from thoreau:

go confidently in the direction of your dreams! live the life you've imagined.

and of course i am going to lose the requisite ten pounds and walk the d-o-double-g more frequently.

ach

2007-01-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

why is it that i have so much difficulty posting these days?

a lot has actually happened since we last spoke. suomies and i spent a weekend in st. louis, seeing a few friends and attending a wedding. we dropped by my old office (too bad everyone had taken the day off!) and suprised amy at the spa, and then spent the evening with a bunch of my former arc buddies. it was fantastic- so good to see you people! i have some really cool friends, just so you know. the wedding and reception were nice, and we also spent some time with friends from church which was also nice.

so we got hit by two blizzards in the last two weeks, which you may have heard about on the weather channel or cnn or something. we got about 40 inches at the pink house. which was interesting, seeing as how there are precisely no snow shovels for sale anywhere in the state of colorado. you would think, wouldn't you, that most people who live here probably already own a snow shovel. it does snow here on a fairly regular basis. so it is mystifying to me that every target and home depot and ace hardware and you name it, has sold out. anyway, the lack of snow shovel made for some very interesting and creative snow removal techniques. such as sweeping it with a big broom. and using a garden shovel. and borrowing the neighbors' snow shovel.

hmm. i guess those aren't that interesting or creative after all.

anyway, it was a lot of snow. and it has stayed pretty cold, so it still is a lot of snow.

fortunately my hotrod handles very nicely on the ice, and has heated seats and heated rear-view mirror defrosters, and makes me very happy.

so one unfortunate consequence of the snow was the closing for two days of the local airport, leaving sisko and mr. cat stranded in toronto on their way to come visit. it turned out ok, since they have friends there whom they were able to play with, but it was a bummer nonetheless. anyway once they finally arrived we had a lovely time, replete with food and drink and general carousing.

christmas was nice, all the family together at m&d's house, gifts all around etc.

we rang in the new year at a gala put on by our church, which was interesting. it is not every day that the band at church plays 'sex machine' and 'let's get it on.' and they ran out of alcohol. it was a bit surreal.

anyway so we are now in a new year. it promises to be a year of challenges and changes. but i guess, every year is. anyway one big change for me happens in 8 days. if you aren't sure what i'm talking about, i'll tell you more about it later.

oh did you want to know what i got for christmas? here is a brief sampling:

well, it was going to be a brief sampling, but stupid stupid blogger won't upload the photos. so i suppose i will just have to leave you in suspense. sorry, charlie.

so anyway that's the update for now.

happy new year.

song for today

2006-12-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

it's coming on christmas
they're cutting down trees
putting up reindeer
and singing songs of joy and peace
oh i wish i had a river
i could skate away on
but it don't snow here
it stays pretty green
i'm gonna make a lot of money
then i'm gonna quit this crazy scene
i wish i had a river
i could skate away on
i wish i had a river so long
i would teach my feet to fly
oh i wish i had a river
i could skate away on
i made my baby cry

he tried hard to help me
you know, he put me at ease
and he loved me so naughty
made me weak in my knees
oh i wish i had a river
i could skate away on
i'm so hard to handle
i'm selfish and i'm sad
now i've gone and lost the best baby
that i ever had
oh i wish i had a river
i could skate away on
i wish i had a river so long
i would teach my feet to fly
oh i wish i had a river
i made my baby say goodbye

it's coming on christmas
they're cutting down trees
they're putting up reindeer
and singing songs of joy and peace
i wish i had a river
i could skate away on

- joni mitchell

long time...

2006-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

hello my lovelies

it's been a while, eh? i'm still here, plugging away, taking life one day at a time, each day doing the next thing. since i posted last i've spent some time in connecticut, new jersey, and even a few hours in chicago... hopefully my next trip to the windy city will be a bit longer and will involve hanging out with my buddies...

so christmas is coming, and sisko and mr. cat are coming to visit. that is what i am looking forward to the most. i am having a pretty hard time getting into christmas this year. no tree yet, and though i've spent a few days at the mall, i have almost no actual gifts to show for it. no christmas music on the stereo, no baking, nothing. suomies and i did put up some lights outside, and he bought a poinsettia (actually two, but we killed the first one), but i'm just not into it. which is very sad for me, because usually this is my favorite time of the year.

we are going back to the lou this weekend for a wedding, and will get to spend a bit of time with some good friends, which makes me happy. things feel a bit fally-aparty lately, and the solid ground of people i know and love, people who know and love me, is very comforting.

lots going on in my world these days, difficult to talk about. or at least, difficult to write about. keep me in your thoughts, huh?

thanks giving

2006-11-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving!

there are a lot of things for which i am thankful.

if you are reading this, you are one of those things.

poem for the day

2006-11-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

Black Rook in Rainy Weather

On the stiff twig up there
Hunches a wet black rook
Arranging and rearranging its feathers in the rain-
I do not expect a miracle
Or an accident

To set the sight on fire
In my eye, nor seek
Any more in the desultory weather some design,
But let spotted leaves fall as they fall
Without ceremony, or portent.

Although, I admit, I desire,
Occasionally, some backtalk
From the mute sky, I can't honestly complain:
A certain minor light may still
Lean incandescent

Out of kitchen table or chair
As if a celestial burning took
Possession of the most obtuse objects now and then --
Thus hallowing an interval
Otherwise inconsequent

By bestowing largesse, honor
One might say love. At any rate, I now walk
Wary (for it could happen
Even in this dull, ruinous landscape); sceptical
Yet politic, ignorant

Of whatever angel may choose to flare
Suddenly at my elbow. I only know that a rook
Ordering its black feathers can so shine
As to seize my senses, haul
My eyelids up, and grant

A brief respite from fear
Of total neutrality. With luck,
Trekking stubborn through this season
Of fatigue, I shall
Patch together a content

Of sorts. Miracles occur.
If you care to call those spasmodic
Tricks of radiance
Miracles. The wait's begun again,
The long wait for the angel,

For that rare, random descent.

- sylvia plath

nothing to say. so disappointing.

2006-11-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

hello.

so it's been a while, and it seems like i don't have much to say. life is a bit difficult these days, for various reasons. and sharing my issues with various Friends and Professionals leaves me feeling pretty spent.

so i come to the blog fairly often but generally just end up staring at the blank screen, and quitting without writing a word.

so.

is this better than nothing?

i have a short week this week, just 2 1/2 days of work, and then a long weekend. monday i head back to the east coast, a day in jersey and another couple in connecticut (does anyone else feel like there are one too many 'c's in that word?). i really enjoy traveling, love flying, love being in hotel rooms, love the feeling of freedom and independence. so i am looking forward to next week.

thanksgiving is at our house on thursday. mom and dad and uncle and auntie are coming, and all bringing things, so all i have to do is the turkey and the sweet potatoes. not a bad gig. i do also need to clean the floors and the bathroom etc, but that is not such a big deal.

really what i am looking forward to is sleeping in on friday. and saturday. and perhaps throwing in a nap or two here or there.

can you believe it is only 9:30? and i have only been here for an hour and a half??

man, this sucks. sorry for the Lamest Post Ever.

the room of 10,000 fears

2006-11-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

a guru has a class of 100 students, and he tells them that he can help them arrive at nirvana with a shortcut. that shortcut is entering and going through the Room of Ten Thousand Fears, wherein one must face each and every one of his own fears. heights, spiders, death- each fear becomes real as you move through this room. and not all make it through, because once you enter the room, the door behind you disappears, and you cannot exit the room the same way you go into it. with this, 90 students get up and leave, preferring to continue their quest without this shortcut. the guru expresses his pride in the remaining 10, and shares with them the secret of passing through the room. once you are inside the room, and your fears are coming true and are coming upon you one after the other, you will want to stop, to close your eyes, to turn and run. the secret is to KEEP WALKING, and you will reach the other door.

and another thing

2006-11-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

a happy birthday shout out to StayC, whom i adore. i hope your day is full of love and happiness. since that is what you bring into my life, it would only be fair.

i love you!

friends

2006-11-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

in the past two days, i have had two conversations, with two dear friends. you know who you are. and really, all i can say, is thank you. you are honest, and kind, and above all, you love me. for which i cannot tell you how grateful i am (it gets a bit awkward, this never-ending-one's-sentences-with-a-preposition).

anyway, i was feeling a bit lost in the proverbial storm, and now i feel as though i am in safe harbour again.

so i thank you.

on the road again

2006-10-29T07:38:00.000-08:00

so i am heading to fabulous orlando florida tomorrow morning for six long days. sounds nice, huh? yeah, except for the fact that i will be spending the ENTIRE WEEK inside a hotel, moving from conference room to conference room. we might as well be going to dubuque. (is that how you spell it? it seems much more exotic when you actually spell it out)

anyway, it's the national ms society's annual conference, where my colleagues and i will be educating and entertaining and motivating and inspiring and training about 900 of our closest friends. i'm quite looking forward to it, but i'm somewhat anxious as well- i have some small roles to play, and a few of these are making me nervous. take saturday morning, for example, when i will be addressing the entire conference (1200 or so silent staring faces...), with our ceo at my side. my heart starts pounding just thinking about it.

anyway i leave bright (thanks to our friend daylight savings) and early tomorrow, and come home saturday evening. a long week, but i'm hopeful that it will also be fun, and i'm looking forward to meeting a lot of my colleagues from across the country.

so it's not likely that i'll be posting much this week, and in case you become disturbed or alarmed at my absence, all i can say is, if i'm not back in 15 minutes, just wait longer!

cheerio just now.

objective correlative

2006-10-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

for all the history of grief
an empty doorway and a maple leaf

for love
the leaning grasses and two lights above the sea

have you seen these?

2006-10-20T07:24:00.001-07:00

my favorite commercial of all time

and

its sequel

not ignoring you...

2006-10-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

there are a few of you out there who i owe phone calls, emails, and even money.

i haven't forgotten.

just so you know.

winter

2006-10-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

first snow, today.

started falling early, little wet drops that hardly count as flakes. continued on through the day, starting to stick as i made my way home. now the flowers in my garden are bent over, blanketed, so that you might not guess there had ever been flowers there at all.

sort of like my heart.

the flip side

2006-10-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

well.

did you miss me?

it's monday evening and suomies is at work, and the kitchen is cleaned and the missed episode of lost is watched, and the d-o-double-g is home safe and the outfit for tomorrow is chosen, and i'm feeling tired and contemplative.

read a good and sad book over the weekend- the memory keeper's daughter. it was wrenching, but hopeful.

hmm. i feel like i should have something interesting to say at this point.

oh well. you got anything interesting to say?

on a jet plane

2006-10-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

i'm off to vegas, baby.

and all i have to say about that, is

nanny

nanny

boo

boo.

i'll see you, on the flip side.

bushwacked

2006-10-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

someone came to my door tonight collecting for the democratic party. i think the correct term for my reaction was bemusement. i don't talk politics by the way, so don't even ask. he asked me what my political affiliation is, and i answered, independent, and then he asked if i would like to subvert bush's policies for the next two years. hmm. that's an interesting one. because certainly, i am no fan of bush. but on the other hand, he's the only president we have at the moment, and i guess i would prefer modifying his policies, to subverting them.

well isn't that special

2006-10-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

so one of the things i have been thinking about lately is excellence.

because i know a lot of people who are really successful, really fantastically good at what they do. true experts, if you will. i count some of my closest friends and family members in this category.

i myself, however, am not one of these people.

now, now, wait just a second, before you jump up and start contradicting me, hear me out.

i am a pretty smart person. i know a lot about a lot of things. i’m good at a lot of things. pretty much, if there is something i want to do, i can do it. i can speak french and climb mountains and plink out a couple of songs on the piano, and i’ve trained a dog and can make a pretty tasty chocolate cake, i’m relatively sporty and relatively artistic, and so on. i am not trying to make myself look good here, by the way. i’m just saying, i’m relatively good at a lot of things. i am not, however, great. at anything. which is interesting.

i really think there must be two different kinds of people

(insert hilarious joke here: there are 10 kinds of people in the world. those who understand binary, and those who don’t)

(pause for raucous laughter to die down)

back to the two kinds of people.

there are the greats. the famous ones- painters and actors and musicians and doctors and leaders etc. and the not-so-famous ones- my friend the cardiologist, my father the theologian, my mother the literary genius, my relatives the business people, etc. people who really excel in what they do. maybe they have a couple of these amazing gifts, these great strengths. but maybe there are also some things they aren’t that great at. like they can’t bake a cake, or throw a ball, or figure out long division. (although, some of these people can actually do everything well, which is messing up my theory, and irritates me. but back to my point). so these people, they have great skills, but maybe only in limited arenas.

then the others of us. the oks. the goods. we are mediocre at everything. there’s nothing we can’t do, and nothing we can do supremely well. people don’t ask our advice on anything, and don’t expect us to have answers (which is good, because my answer generally is, i’m really not sure, and no, honestly, i don’t have an opinion about that).

i’m trying to decide how i feel about this.

because, i never really felt like i had a calling, i mean career-wise. i just know that i like to help people, and so i gravitated to the social service field. and i don’t really have any hobbies, anything that i pursue relentlessly. i like to do a little gardening, a little exercising, a lot of reading, and whatever have you… but i certainly don’t feel like there is some skill i want to be honing. i just like to do a little bit of a lot of things and have fun with it, and whatnot.

so i have some (ok, a lot of) jealousy of these people who are so clearly gifted in one way or another. like suomies. it is so obvious that he is supposed to be a doctor. he’s perfect for it. it’s perfect for him. he really obviously has the combination of skills and abilities that are making him successful. and i kind of think, so what am I here for? because if you know me, you know that there isn’t anything particularly special about me. i’m a nice person, that’s not my point, i just mean, people don’t say, wow that saara she sure is an amazing____, or, she’s so great at ______.

anyway i think i am ok with this, because i like who i am, and i like the things that i do, and the things that i can do, and i guess i am just wondering, do i have to do anything about this? is it ok to be the proverbial jack of all trades, master of none? or am i supposed to find (or invent?) my specialty?

tonight

2006-10-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

do you know what my perfect evening is?

it is tonight.

a hot bath. a fire in the fireplace, the low sounds of r&b on the stereo, a glass of wine, a bar of chocolate, a heartbreaking and inspiring novel. words from someone i love, echoing in my ears.

i am grateful, whole, filled, true.

friday

2006-10-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

so i have gotten email from a few old friends this week, and it has been very nice. i miss you people, you know?

vegetarian/working out kick has lost me 5 pounds or so, which is also nice.

fall is in full swing, although fortunately our Enormous Tree hasn't started dropping its leaves yet, so no raking so far.

suomies is going to las vegas on sunday for a week, i am going to join him on thursday for a long weekend. he has to work, i get to play. remember the pink bikini? i will be putting it to good use. i plan to spend 3 straight days at the pool. we are staying at the mandalay bay, where i have always wanted to stay. and we are going to see the cirque du soleil show "o" which i hear is awesome. i have never seen one of these shows (except on tv) (which hardly counts) so i am excited.

did i mention that i have monday off of work? because it's columbus day, and all. we at the national multiple sclerosis society are dedicated to preserving the memory of our landmass' discoverer yea those many years ago... seriously people, who gets columbus day off?!? not that i am complaining, of course. no indeed.

this will be my third straight weekend of having houseguests. i do enjoy having friends (and family) (and more family) stay with us, but i am tired of washing the sheets. (not so tired, however, as to preclude me from washing them yet again should you, dear reader, care to pay me a visit, yourself.)

someone asked me recently, do they sell a lot of dr. pepper in denver?

i wasn't sure how to reply.

i think they do.

at least, they do to me.

ha ha ha

2006-09-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. that way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them. and you have their shoes.

- jack handey

yay

2006-09-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

sometimes there are things you are so excited about that you can't even talk about them.

so it is.

somebunny is coming to visit me this weekend.

the buff club

2006-09-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

ok so there is this thing i have been thinking about for a long time and meaning to post about and i keep forgetting.

this is a thing that really bothers me.

well, it doesn't bother me so much as it bewilders me. and grosses me right out.

the thing is this.

i go to the gym a lot. we actually belong to a pretty nice place, full of the weathy and bored, one of those places that the members refer to as "the club."

anyway.

what bothers me is the nudity.

now i am no prude, no stranger to the female body (having possessed one for quite some time, and all). however. there is a LOT of nudity at "the club." i mean, a lot. i don't know what it is like in the men's locker room, but in the women's, wow.

the thing is, that you cannot walk into the locker room without being confronted by the naked bodies of at least 5 different women. to some of you, this may sound like heaven. however. the female body, while admittedly inherently beautiful, is not so great when it is all sweaty, or being contorted into spandex, or being flopped about between the showers and the changing area. it's really quite unpleasant.

one thing about a shi-shi club is that a lot of these people are young and fit, or old and cosmetically altered, or what have you, but generally good looking. i say a lot of these people. i do not say all.

why do old people especially feel so free to hang out with no clothes on? at what point do you say to yourself, forget it, covering these girls up is a waste of energy, i think i'll just sit here on the bench and relax?

and another thing. why do you have to dry your hair, completely naked? you have your earrings on, is it too much to ask to put some underwear on, too? and even if your body was all that, who are you trying to impress? i really get quite irritated.

so that's about all i have to say about that.

(what is also funny about this post, in case you didn't catch it, is that there is an actual club here in colorado called the buff club, only it is a club of fans of the university of colorado buffaloes. as far as i can tell, there is no nakedness involved)

song for the day

2006-09-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be
you're gonna give your lovin' to me
i'm gonna love you night and day
you know my lovin' won't fade away
you know my lovin' won't fade away

my love is bigger than a cadillac
i try to show you but you drive me back
your love for me has got to be real
for you to know just how i feel
a love for real, not fade away

i'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be
you're gonna give your love to me
a love to last more than one day
a love that's love and not fade away
a love that's love and not fade away

- rolling stones

if you're wondering...

2006-09-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

why i moved back to colorado...

this is it:

taken on saturday, september 9, 2006. from the top of guanella pass, down the rosalie trail, and down the abyss lake trail.

once again, i am reminded of the name of this blog, and for those of you who might not have started at the beginning, i will repeat it here.

living

the fire in leaf and grass
so green it seems
each summer the last summer

the wind blowing, the leaves
shivering in the sun,
each day the last day.

a red salamander
so cold and so
easy to catch, dreamily
moves his delicate feet
and long tail. i hold
my hand open for him to go.

each minute the last minute.

- denise levertov

pink

2006-09-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

one thing that i love, is pink. another thing that i love is finnish design.

the stars have aligned, dear readers, and if you could only step into my office...

so let me tell you a story.

once upon a time there was a finnish textile manufacturer called marimekko, which had its inception in 1951. perhaps you have heard of it. back in 1964 they employed a designer by the name of maija isola. probably you have not heard of her. however, you most certainly HAVE heard of her most famous design (well, you probably haven't heard of it, in that it is a finnish word and would mean nothing to most of you, but you have undoubtedly seen of it). it is called unikko. it is basically big stylized poppies. crate & barrel recently did a series of towels and shower curtains and whatever have you in this design, which is where i suppose most of you to have seen it.

anyway.

the original design, as i said, was released in 1964. it was red on white, and blue on white. over the subsequent years, due to the design's unprecedented popularity, it was released in black, camel, green, yellow, purple, red-on-red, blue-on-blue, etc.

now we're getting to the good part.

maija isola died in 2001, but her daughter kristiina isola continued to work for the company. as they say, she now designs printed fabrics and other interior decoration products for marimekko, while also being responsible for the new colour schemes and adaptations of maija isola’s fabric designs.

ah ha!

so it is now 2006, and it has been 40 years since maija came out with the unikko design. you would think, wouldn't you, that they would want to do something celebratory for the occasion? well darlings yes in fact they have. they released unikko in pink.

(brief pause whilst we observe the heavens opening and the songs of angelic choirs floating down)

i'm smitten. i'm addicted. i can hardly stand it.

i bought some, of course. three fabric panels in the small pink print, one large (i mean, this sucker is HUGE) panel in the original light pink print. they hang in my office. well, the three small ones do. the big one, well, it's big. it's 48 inches square. right now it sits on the floor leaning against the wall. but soon, it will also hang.

people come into my office now and say 'wow! pink!' actually, what happens is, they walk past my office, glance in, take another step, stop, come back to the door and stand there, and then say, wow, pink.

i love it.

anyway, just to assuage your curiosity, here is what it looks like:

i love it, i truly do.

(for those of you who are really paying attention, i must edit some of the above statements, in the interest of professional accuracy. marimekko claims to be issuing the pink design in honor of their 50th anniversary. but i can't figure out the math on that one. so i made up my own.)

here's the deal

2006-09-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

so i'm trying out being a vegetarian.

it's been about a month. meat-free with just one notable exception, namely, the camping trip this last weekend, wherein we had steak and chicken, cooked over the camp fire. how can you say no to that?

anyway i am still eating fish, mostly because, it is so good for you (except for swordfish. you shouldn't eat that guy. i mean it.), and also i love it so much. the thing about fish though is that i love to eat it but i hate to cook it. not crazy about that fish smell that hangs out in your kitchen and thus your curtains and apron and probably hair and clothes for hours or days. and actually i prefer it uncooked, if you want to get technical. anyway, eating fish thus generally requires going out to eat it, which is nice but gets expensive. anyway i eat yogurt with honey and almonds for breakfast (protein and good fat), a frozen vegetarian meal for lunch (if you're interested, i HIGHLY recommend the palak paneer by ethnic gourmet. that's some tasty cheese), and whatever we can scrounge up for dinner. last night, it was waffles. snacks of string cheese and fruit, maybe a pria bar thrown in when i need something sweet.

so.

what is the point of all this, you ask?

well, i'm not a vegetarian because i love animals, if that's what you're wondering. no, i am a vegetarian because i hate plants.

haahhahahahahahah!!! that one completely cracks me up.

seriously though, and some of you may know this, but i have this inexplicable crazy-high cholesterol, and i feel like at my age i am a bit too young to go on a statin for the rest of my life, and can't i make some dietary and lifestyle changes, and perhaps undo some damage and maybe avert a heart attack for a few more years? yes, yes i can.

so.

pretty much not eating red meat any more. or white meat. or the other white meat. (or the 'other' other white meat, for that matter). not doing the full-fat dairy either. trying to have lots of fiber and some of those tasty omega-3s and 6s whenever i can.

also, i am trying to get my butt to the gym a few times a week, get that heart pumping, give the bones some weight-bearing exercises.

the thing is, i'm not getting any younger, and i kind of feel like, how pissed am i going to be in 20 years when i am fat or dead or something, and all i had to have done was to eat a bit better and work out a bit more and everything would be different?

so. that's the deal.

big day

2006-09-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

the woman who gave me life almost thirty years ago was herself given life exactly sixty years ago.

she's such a super lady. really, she's a great person. and a great mom, incidentally. you really should meet her.

happy birthday, mommee.

friends

2006-09-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

i learned yesterday that two more friends have found this blog- thanks for visiting! it's nice to think of you, pieces of my heart and soul, sitting out there in places of my past lives, visiting my present life.

one thing that i have found, and i will echo jen-nay's sentiments here, is that it is harder than you think it will be to keep in touch with people you love after you no longer live in the same city. it's strange, and sad, that people who once formed the core of your life, whose lives were woven together so intricately with yours, be that in school or work or whatever have you, so easily slip away, if you don't actively and intentionally and continually move to keep them close. but that's just part of it though, right? because even though i don't see you or talk to you every day, you still live in my heart, and i still think about you, and i hope you think about me.

there are my girls from chicago, contact with whom is intermittent at best, but whose faces and laughter are frequently in my thoughts, and whom i think about with such deep fondness and affection and longing, but whom i seldom call or even email, and i wonder, do they think about me? some of them, obviously, do, as presumably at least two of them will read these words at some point. to you i want to say- i miss you. i love you. you are very dear to me.

then there is the crew from the lou. again, people who i spent countless hours with, sharing frustrations and happinesses (can you say that?)- work people who moved apart unintentionally after the Man fired them or encouraged them to leave or drove them away. but still, we stayed in touch, had lunches together, emailed, had sushi... but then i moved away-away, and i'm left with this feeling of loss, and this feeling of, are they having lunch without me? does anyone remember me? or bring me up in conversation? once again- obviously a few of you remember me, or else you probably wouldn't be reading this. i love you people too, and i miss you.

(if you find yourself left out of this abbreviated list, please know that it was intentional. there are a couple of people out there who i can't really categorize. you probably know who you are. our bonds are genetic, or metaphysical, or whatever, and they are very stong.)

you people out there, close to my heart, far from my physical location (i was going to say, far from my body, but that starts to sound creepy and sexual, which is not at all what i am getting at here), and i think you know who you are, whose geophysical location does nothing more than pull the bands around our hearts all the tighter. how am i so blessed to have such friends? it is comforting, out here in the new life where there really aren't any friends yet, to spend a few minutes now thinking of you, and being grateful, and remembering how fortunate i am to have you in my life.

ssh...

2006-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

i got a promotion today

:o)

i'm not supposed to tell anyone until the official announcement on tuesday... but i can trust you, right?

i am now the national senior manager

how about that.

guess where i am today

2006-08-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

it is hot, and humid. schools here don't start until next week, so as not to conflict with the state fair. i have been called ma'am more times than i care to count. i am the only one in a black suit. instead of wine tastings, they do bourbon tastings. ah ha! that one should have clued you right in.

so here i am in louisville (that's pronounced loovul, only it's all one syllable). i have seen a lots of bugs although fortunately only one of them has landed on me. i got a keychain in my hotel room that is a bottle-opening pink pony with 'kentucky' written on the side. people here refer the area as kentuckiana, since we are so close to the neighboring state.

traveling for work is ok, there is free hbo in my room as well as yummy-smelling lotion, and we are being wined (bourboned?) and dined very nicely, apparently it is a big deal to have people from national come in for a visit.

kentucky is the bluegrass state, so i'll leave you with these parting words:

poa pratensis

song for the day

2006-08-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

- indigo girls

grape

2006-08-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

once when i was younger (10? 12?) i found bag of grape jolly ranchers for sale at some ridiculously low price (maybe 25 cents?). (in retrospect i imagine they had probably expired). but i bought them. it was a first for me, to have an entire bag of candy, all to myself. i didn't have to share it, or eat only one piece at a time. i may not have even told my parents i had it- it was my secret.

anyway, i think about this occasionally. such as today, when there is a big bowl of jolly ranchers in the break room, and i rummage through it, and take the two remaining grape ones.

it makes me happy.

grief

2006-08-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

the mother of my dear friend passed away today.

it's not supposed to be like this.

how long, oh Lord?

one thing i hate

2006-08-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

is when someone is cruel to someone i love.

it fills me with a deep, black, primal rage.

this just in

2006-08-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

Salem Area Amateur Radio Association
Substance Abuse and Addiction Recovery Alliance
South African Air Rifle Association

i'm not sure how i feel about this.

miss me?

2006-08-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

well hello there, dear readers, if in fact any of you still exist... it's been a while. a good while. by which i mean both that the while in terms of length has been significant, and that the while i have been away, has been good.

lemme 'splain. no, there is too much. lemme sum up.

Fabulous Mediterranean Vacation was, as hoped, fabulous. for example:

it really was like that. only you don't get a good idea of the water, which was crystal blue...

ok so the basic idea was, sail, stop at an island and swim, lunch, sail, find an island to anchor at for the night, borrel on board followed by dinner out or cooked in the galley, late nights, sleep on board, wake up, sail... repeat x8. our skipper and first mate were top-notch, and it was fun to learn a thing or two about hoisting and furling and the jib and the spinnaker and what have you. whatever have you. sailing was followed by several days in athens, just suomies and me, and again, fabulous. sleep late, see some sights, drink lots of coffee, dinner at 10 or later...

we returned to st louis, the next day the movers came and away went our things... and then away went us. let me pause just for a moment to tell you just how good (i mean, good. we're talking cherry garcia good) it is to have someone else pack you stuff. i sat on the couch and watched other people wrap all of my glasses and pack my books and my socks and my jar of pennies and my kleenex... it was amazing. then when we got here, it was like christmas opening all of the boxes. a bit of a random christmas, mind you (why is the cat food packed in with the toothpaste?), but christmas nonetheless.

so after an eventful journey west across the plains (do you really want to know why it was eventful? it involves kitty, and copious amounts of fluids...), we arrived at the pink house, which i love. fortunately it is only pink on the outside, inside it is a cool pale green, which goes nicely with my plants inside and my hedge and trees outside.

work is great (did i mention i have my own office?) and they seem to think i am worth my salt (what does that even mean?), and i get to go to philly next week.

soumies is also doing well, thanks for asking, he is working a lot but so far it has been ok. his colleagues are nice, which is a bonus.

i have a million stories to tell (the bomb threat at our hotel in athens, my herb garden, my imminent car purchase...) but i'm tired. so i leave it all to your imagination. and wish you a good night.

briefly

2006-06-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

suomies and i depart at 6:30am tomorrow for our Fabulous Mediterranean Vacation.

i'll see you

on the flip side

time passes~

2006-06-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

my last day of work was yesterday (no cake, but a nice long series of parties and celebrations)(but no cake. i have a slight problem with this. what kind of going away party doesn't involve cake?). suomies' graduation was today (he won't tell you this, but he recieved both the resident research award and the clinical teaching award). tonight is another big party, which should be fun.

we have a few days to prepare for vacation and moving- the plan is to clean out some closets, pack a couple boxes, forward mail etc.

i'm feeling tired, and grateful, and excited.

how i feel

2006-06-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

grateful. humble. sad. excited. anxious. overwhelmed. numb. peaceful. scared. hopeful.

it's strange to feel all of these things, all at the same time. our days in st. louis are rapidly drawing to an end. this is my last week at work- today is my last monday... the hours pass, i'm helpless to stop them.

time is sort of like being on an airplane. you sit in your seat, and reach cruising altitude, and off you go. carried along in the jetstream, and no matter how much you want to, you can't stop, or even slow down, and certainly not go back. i guess you can fight it, and run screaming to the back of the plane, but i think it's better just to sit down, fasten your seat belt, and enjoy the ride. get a window seat. live each moment fully. leaving one adventure behind, we get to move on to another one. some times are good, and some are bad, but time keeps moving us along...

ok enough of that. let's get back to the important stuff, namely, me, and how i am feeling (hey- it's my blog- if you don't want to hear about me, don't read it ;o) )

so. grateful. the part that makes leaving bittersweet sweet, is the fact that it brings the important things sharply into focus. above all, i am grateful for the people in my life. i came to st. louis knowing precisely one person here (who has since moved away), and i am leaving with numerous people who i am proud and honored to call true friends. there are even one or two who hold court in my inner circle. i could not have survived these past years without these people- supporters, encouragers, lovers (not in that way!), laughers, criers, huggers, emailers, drinkers :o) ... i am so thankful.

i am also thankful for my work (and not just because there are only 4.75 more days of it). it has been a privilege to be a part of an organization dedicated to helping people. it's such a great feeling to go home every night, even after a terrible day, and know that what i do makes a difference. i am thankful for that.

i'm really sad though. i'm not a crier (anymore) so it remains to be seen if i will get visibly emotional over all of this, but i am really terribly sad about leaving my friends here. my days at work and at home are filled with the smiles and voices and presence of so many beautiful people- the thought of their absence fills me with sadness. i know that this move is not the end of these friendships, but it is definitely a change. people i see every day i may only see once a year (though some of you- watch out- you can't get rid of me that easily). but distance in geography does not mean distance in thought or heart- i will keep you close to me!

those of you who are already far from me serve as a comfort- distance just means we have to work a little bit harder to stay in touch.

let's get to the other part. the anxious overwhelmed part. i have 4 and a half days of work left. not much to do- but really, a lot to do. i leave the country in 10 days. i have not packed. i have not arranged a person to feed my cat. i have not pre-tanned. i have not had my hair and nails done. once we return to the country, the movers come the next day. yes, the next day. presumably at some ungodly hour of the morning (although, to be honest- they really do need to. we've got a lot of stuff to pack. i mean, a lot.) i have to pack my own valuables. of which there are only a few, but still. i want to get everything sorted and packed before we leave town, so that we do not have to do it the night we get back.

things to pack/reserve from packers:

inflatable mattress
sheets and pillows
clothes for a week
toiletries etc
pets
pet foods and sundries
toikka birds
jewelry/perfume
cleaning supplies
snacky-snacks
a couple of books?
camera & laptop

hmmm... am i missing anything? and even if i am, will we really have room in whatever vehicle we procure to pack all of this stuff, and move it across the country?

also we have to arrange power of attorney for the closing, and finalize the homeowners insurance, and figure out where to stay july 2-5, and find someone to feed the cat, and get the mail forwarded... oh and did i mention that suomies' mother is coming today? which is lovely but also a bit stressful as our home has been declared a federal disaster area and is not scheduled for fema cleanup for several more weeks... however. all of this will somehow come together and be sorted out in due time, i am sure, but in the meantime it gives me anxiety.

ok perhaps i have spent enough of my workday sharing my feelings and perhaps i should now actually attempt to accomplish some work... which is not as fun but i guess that's what they pay me the big bucks for. if you made it this far, thanks for reading :o)

trying not to scream

2006-06-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

i am on the phone with cingular trying to get a new cell phone. you would think, wouldn't you, that with the relatively large sum of cash that i am desiring to drop in their lap, that they would be a bit, shall we say, motivated, to help me.

in fact, no.

please wait.

please wait.

please wait.

if she tells me that one more time, i may scream.

i have been on the phone with these mechanical voices for about an hour now, and have been disconnected and re-routed and asked politely to wait more times than i care to count. at the moment, my wait time is less than 10 minutes.

did i mention the part about the screaming?

elusion

2006-06-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

or should i say, illusion..

thanks to unkie b for drawing my attention to this very cool little mess-with-your-own-brain opportunity.

follow the directions- it's kind of freaky!

happy anniversary

2006-06-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

to me. and suomies, of course.

and it is.

despite the omen

my moral failure

2006-06-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

was it a failure? i don't know. was it even a moral issue? again, i don't know. but it's been sitting there in the back of my mind for a few weeks now, crouching there like a mouse, making just the slightest movement every now and then so i remember, and think about it, and wonder if i failed.

radio silence

2006-06-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

my sincere apologies, gentle readers, for my lengthy absence.

what? you hadn't noticed?

harumph.

anyway, it has been a hectic week or so, and it is just now, at 4:06pm on a friday afternoon, that i have a moment to collect my thoughts and put pen to paper. or, shall we say, finger to keyboard.

suomies and i had a lovely memorial day holiday last weekend. it included several long and breath-taking drives, one north along the east bank of the mississippi river, and one west through the rolling hills of the eastern ozarks. stunning. i mean, really beautiful. scenery that makes you think, the world really is a beautiful place. it is we humans who make the ugly parts- traffic and smog and concrete jungles. but when we leave it alone, wow. especially when you add in lots of sunshine and oh, say, 92% humidity. i think the word i am looking for is verdant. or lush. something like that.

also, we made a stop at the gap outlet store in fabulous warrenton, missouri. i overindulged, but how can you say no to a pink polka-dot skirt for six dollars? i mean, how? i honestly want to know, since i find myself clearly unable to do so.

actually i don't want to know, never mind. don't tell me. i love the skirt.

so anyway. a nice weekend, followed by a hectic week. the crisis in the local blood supply, and all. and the torrential rain storm. and time with friends that is scarily becoming, the last time with friends.

my dear camobunny, for example, is scampering away to another city in something obscene like 2 weeks. my friends from bible study are getting together this evening for an ostensible birthday celebration but what will really end up being a farewell party. last lunches are being scheduled with friends and coworkers and clients. it feels a bit surreal. this fabric of my life here is quickly unraveling, and the task of creating a new life in a new city seems a bit overwhelming.

next week promises to be busy as well, but punctuated with fun things, such as a birthday outing for camobunny, suomies' and my 8th anniversary, a day-long blood drive with the st. louis cardinals, a charity race event, and some kind of get-together with friends on the weekend. it's funny, how this preparing-to-leave time has made me so mindful and so thankful for all the wonderful people and things i have to say goodbye to. it's sad to leave, but how much sadder would it be if i had no one to be sad about?

help if you can

2006-05-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

the missouri-illinois blood services region of the american red cross went on emergency appeal for blood on thursday evening. this is one of those times when my work takes on a great deal of significance. we ran out of blood, but people still need it.

so if you're 17 or older, weigh at least 110lbs, and are in good general health- think about giving blood. someone's life really does depend on it.

burgeoning

2006-05-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

so i have slyly told a few more people about the blog. i'm not sure all of them will take the hint, but at least one of them has. it's interesting to be sitting here in my dark little gnat-infested cube, typing away, and having you all out there, scattered across the town and the globe, checking in, reading my thoughts. the odd thing about the blog though is that it allows me to communicate with you but doesn't require any kind of response. there are several blogs that i regularly read, for example, that i never ever post comments on, let alone talk to the authors (even though we might have once been inseparable friends) (hmm, not so inseparable, after all). it's a strange sort of communication.

anyway, for those of you who may be new to the fire, welcome.

power

2006-05-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

for some reason, sisko wants me to write about power. or at least, influence.

hee hee hee. she doesn't really, but i like to deliberately misinterpret people.

however, it is an interesting topic.

today, for example, i am wearing my "power" suit. it is black and of some sort of parachute-like material (and i haven't fit into it for several years, which is a nice added bonus, but which is beside the present point). the jacket has a zipper instead of buttons up the front. the skirt is longish (just to the knees) and i am wearing the patent leather black pointy shoes that camobunny dislikes. i am wearing a thin, dark pink (hmm, maybe dark coral?) sweater underneath. the overall effect is sleek, sharp, and a bit military. edgy. i like it.

so the whole point of the power suit today is that i will be addressing the chamber of commerce of the town of my center of business. (this is a slightly scary prospect. i am quite good at public speaking but i get really nervous beforehand. i mean, really very quite extremely nervous. sweaty palms, racing heart, all that. not so fun) and because i am young, and blonde, and somewhat buxom, wearing such a suit makes me seem a bit more professional and like someone you should take seriously. especially on matters pertaining to life-saving blood and blood products. ah yes, the favorite topic for lunchtime addresses.

so. the thing about power, is that we should use it for good, not evil. eeveel.

poem for the day

2006-05-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

Self-Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

-d. h. lawrence

monday

2006-05-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

well it is, and it feels like it.

i had a nice weekend. sushi with a friend, baby shower for a different friend, visited the new baby of yet another friend. dinner out with suomies on saturday. sunday was church, and then lunch and a visit to the chihuly exhibit at the botanical gardens. last night a going-away party for the first-mentioned friend. a good weekend.

today my job is stressful, and the check which was sent a full week ago has not yet arrived, and needs to be delivered to a third party by tomorrow, and my visit to a certain professional was unsatisfying and a bit depressing, and i have eaten my lunch but i am still starving.

so.

my golf game did not improve over the weekend, which is also disappointing.

but. give thanks in all circumstances.

so. i am thankful that it looks like we are going to get the house. i am thankful daddee has cash on hand to cover what we need to pay up front. i am thankful that i have work which is meaningful to me, and challenging, and provides me with friends and opportunities for personal and professional growth. i am thankful for fedex which guarantees that the replacement check will arrive tomorrow afternoon. i am thankful that i have access to certain professionals. i am thankful that i am healthy.

i have to go home now, and get the checkbook, and go to fedex, etc.

but tonight, camobunny and i are going out to look at furniture. because we like nice things.

slow and steady

2006-05-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

game this morning: par +8

this happens to be my personal best in many months. which is great but it means i will really have to push it to keep improving. with only 5 weeks to go, it's going to be a struggle.

the spam i have just recieved

2006-05-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http://iwon'treprintthelink) are bad.

Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

My dog and I are still alive :)

the new saara

2006-05-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

so perhaps some of you are familiar with the new woman. if you're not, that is a shame. today, i am her. i am she? anyway, today i am the new saara.

so.

improving my: golf game, posture, and previously-mentioned bad habit #1.

considering improving my: attitude.

watch and learn, grasshopper.

(edit: as a consequence, i am also starving)

so...

2006-05-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

now what?

i need help

2006-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

today's task is an arduous one.

did i mention that i am moving in about 2 months? so i am trying to be proactive and responsible etc etc etc and so i want to clean out my closet, because the new place has less closet space and because i really have a lot of clothes, i mean, really a lot, and half of them i probably never wear, and there are lots of people in my general vicinity who need clothes, and so i thought maybe i could kill two (figurative) birds with one (figurative) stone and get rid of some unnecessary (to me) items and maybe give them to the free store.

but... but...

there are so many. and i like them. and i'm not very good at determining if they look good on me, or are cool, or are worth saving. do i keep the dress i wore at sisko's wedding? i haven't worn it since, but i could. and it has sentimental value, and all. how about that black dress, which is a great black dress, which i have never worn, but i could wear it, if the right situation ever presented itself.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

anybody want to come over and help?

one down

2006-05-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

ok, this morning's game: shaved off one stroke. we're down to 10 over par.

nocturne

2006-05-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

close your eyes, and listen to this

let's call it golf

2006-05-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

so as of this morning i am 11 strokes above par. par would be nice, although my real goal for this course is 5 under par.

i have been trying to improve my game for a couple of months, but to be honest, my efforts have been half-hearted, to say the least. there are just so many things i would rather do than practice my swing, and refine my short game, etc etc etc. i mean, hanging out on the couch is just so fun.

but now it seems that i will be participating in an exhibition in just about 6 weeks. there will be pros who will be watching. it's likely that they will be the nice, charitable sort, but still, the results of my labor will be on display.

so.

i was thinking that perhaps putting this out there, to all of my dear readers, might help keep me accountable. so here's the deal, every time my game improves by at least one stroke, i will let you know. and i really will start practicing, and putting my game face on every morning, and all.

so. here we go!

poem for the day

2006-05-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

A Happy Birthday

This evening, I sat by an open window
and read till the light was gone and the book
was no more than a part of the darkness.
I could easily have switched on a lamp,
but I wanted to ride this day down into night,
to sit alone and smooth the unreadable page
with the pale gray ghost of my hand.

-ted kooser

conjunction junction...

2006-05-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

this could be fun...

if you're one of those

makin' me dizzy

2006-05-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

(my head is spinning)

so yesterday was a pretty great day.

i accepted the formal job offer, after successfully negotiating for a higher salary. well, negotiating probably isn't the right word. 'asking for and recieving' is more like it.

then, suomies' colorado license came in the mail.

and then, our offer on a house was accepted. including the curtains. want to see it?

yay!

it's so easy, it's so right

2006-05-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

it makes me very happy to hear about people donating blood.

thanks jason

it's also nice when there's a funny story to go along with it.

everyone should give blood. people need it to live, and all.

providing the reader

2006-05-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

it has been suggested to me (albeit indirectly) that i need to add some Visual Variation to my blog. so here you go, folks. this is the new bikini i just bought for my Fabulous Mediterranean Vacation.

it is not, however, my body.

update, the third

2006-05-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

i got the job

:o)

well, they are preparing an offer which they will present to me tomorrow.

but that counts as an offer, right?

hmmm...

2006-04-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

my lunch today (frozen dinner) has some surprising features.

the box says, the vegetables are "flash-frozen at the peak of perfection."

umm...

can you have a peak of perfection? i mean, it's either perfect, or it's not, right? it's not like perfection has peaks and valleys. it's all just one nice level plane of perfection. presumably there are varying degrees of other features, say, freshness, or ripeness, or deliciousness. but i am pretty sure that perfection is its own discrete attribute.

food for thought, if you will.

ow

2006-04-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

easter came and went, and my family did not call me