how i feel

grateful. humble. sad. excited. anxious. overwhelmed. numb. peaceful. scared. hopeful.

it's strange to feel all of these things, all at the same time. our days in st. louis are rapidly drawing to an end. this is my last week at work- today is my last monday... the hours pass, i'm helpless to stop them.

time is sort of like being on an airplane. you sit in your seat, and reach cruising altitude, and off you go. carried along in the jetstream, and no matter how much you want to, you can't stop, or even slow down, and certainly not go back. i guess you can fight it, and run screaming to the back of the plane, but i think it's better just to sit down, fasten your seat belt, and enjoy the ride. get a window seat. live each moment fully. leaving one adventure behind, we get to move on to another one. some times are good, and some are bad, but time keeps moving us along...

ok enough of that. let's get back to the important stuff, namely, me, and how i am feeling (hey- it's my blog- if you don't want to hear about me, don't read it ;o) )

so. grateful. the part that makes leaving bittersweet sweet, is the fact that it brings the important things sharply into focus. above all, i am grateful for the people in my life. i came to st. louis knowing precisely one person here (who has since moved away), and i am leaving with numerous people who i am proud and honored to call true friends. there are even one or two who hold court in my inner circle. i could not have survived these past years without these people- supporters, encouragers, lovers (not in that way!), laughers, criers, huggers, emailers, drinkers :o) ... i am so thankful.

i am also thankful for my work (and not just because there are only 4.75 more days of it). it has been a privilege to be a part of an organization dedicated to helping people. it's such a great feeling to go home every night, even after a terrible day, and know that what i do makes a difference. i am thankful for that.

i'm really sad though. i'm not a crier (anymore) so it remains to be seen if i will get visibly emotional over all of this, but i am really terribly sad about leaving my friends here. my days at work and at home are filled with the smiles and voices and presence of so many beautiful people- the thought of their absence fills me with sadness. i know that this move is not the end of these friendships, but it is definitely a change. people i see every day i may only see once a year (though some of you- watch out- you can't get rid of me that easily). but distance in geography does not mean distance in thought or heart- i will keep you close to me!

those of you who are already far from me serve as a comfort- distance just means we have to work a little bit harder to stay in touch.

let's get to the other part. the anxious overwhelmed part. i have 4 and a half days of work left. not much to do- but really, a lot to do. i leave the country in 10 days. i have not packed. i have not arranged a person to feed my cat. i have not pre-tanned. i have not had my hair and nails done. once we return to the country, the movers come the next day. yes, the next day. presumably at some ungodly hour of the morning (although, to be honest- they really do need to. we've got a lot of stuff to pack. i mean, a lot.) i have to pack my own valuables. of which there are only a few, but still. i want to get everything sorted and packed before we leave town, so that we do not have to do it the night we get back.

things to pack/reserve from packers:

inflatable mattress
sheets and pillows
clothes for a week
toiletries etc
pets
pet foods and sundries
toikka birds
jewelry/perfume
cleaning supplies
snacky-snacks
a couple of books?
camera & laptop

hmmm... am i missing anything? and even if i am, will we really have room in whatever vehicle we procure to pack all of this stuff, and move it across the country?

also we have to arrange power of attorney for the closing, and finalize the homeowners insurance, and figure out where to stay july 2-5, and find someone to feed the cat, and get the mail forwarded... oh and did i mention that suomies' mother is coming today? which is lovely but also a bit stressful as our home has been declared a federal disaster area and is not scheduled for fema cleanup for several more weeks... however. all of this will somehow come together and be sorted out in due time, i am sure, but in the meantime it gives me anxiety.

ok perhaps i have spent enough of my workday sharing my feelings and perhaps i should now actually attempt to accomplish some work... which is not as fun but i guess that's what they pay me the big bucks for. if you made it this far, thanks for reading :o)