seas
hello my lovelies
so i am in florida this week, and it is so sunny and warm and lush with palm trees, you wouldn't even believe it. such a nice change from the snows of frigid colorado.
i am here for work but i did have a few minutes free this afternoon so i went outside to the beach and stood in the sand with my feet in the water, watching the tide come in. the thing about the ocean, is that it is so big, you can just stand there and look out at it, and it never ends. it is very humbling.
there were two pelicans that flew by (they're miracles up in the sky) and endless seagulls. and on the shore, the little jello-y carcasses of some kind of jellyfish. lots of them. i touched them with my toe and they are surprisingly solid. firm. and gross, did i mention that? all rubbery and dead and flopping about in the tide. bleagh.
anyway i always find that the ocean is a good place for thought and prayer and introspection. all of which i need right now.
i haven't told many of you yet but i made a significant and uniquely painful decision a week or so ago. major change in my life- probably the biggest one ever. it was the hardest thing i have ever done... well, second only to communicating that decision to the party involved. hardest and scariest and most painful, by far by far. but now the decision has been made, and life is somehow continuing to continue. that's the surprising thing, isn't it? that there can be death, and yet life goes on.
anyway i am lonely and it's all my fault. and i am so sad, and it's all my fault. and i am guilt-ridden, and it is all my fault. and lots of people are disappointed, and disappointed in me, and it is all my fault. the reasons leading to the decision are not all my fault, just partly my fault, but the decision was mine, and i accept that responsibility. it is difficult to bear, but i have to, because really, it is all my fault.
so.
it is hard to ask for help and support when you are the obvious cause of your own misery. i guess i don't feel like i am entitled to it. so i am feeling pretty lonely and alone, and i guess maybe that is all my fault too.
aaahhh!!
i can see this turning into and endless circle of pain and self-punishment. i guess what i should just do is say, i made this decision, i hope you can trust me that i made it in good conscience and with much prayer and thought and counsel... and now that i made it, and now that i'm sad, can you please offer me any kind of comort...? or... do i just have to suffer through it? is that the deal? you choose this thing, you suffer the consequences? i really have no idea how this is supposed to work. somehow i think that grace and forgiveness is supposed to factor in, but i don't really see that being played out too much. i feel a heavy burden. i feel a huge weight of responsibility. even though i still believe this is the best path, for everyone involved.
there is probably a book about this somewhere. i should probably read it.
in the meantime, think good thoughts about me, ok?
so i am in florida this week, and it is so sunny and warm and lush with palm trees, you wouldn't even believe it. such a nice change from the snows of frigid colorado.
i am here for work but i did have a few minutes free this afternoon so i went outside to the beach and stood in the sand with my feet in the water, watching the tide come in. the thing about the ocean, is that it is so big, you can just stand there and look out at it, and it never ends. it is very humbling.
there were two pelicans that flew by (they're miracles up in the sky) and endless seagulls. and on the shore, the little jello-y carcasses of some kind of jellyfish. lots of them. i touched them with my toe and they are surprisingly solid. firm. and gross, did i mention that? all rubbery and dead and flopping about in the tide. bleagh.
anyway i always find that the ocean is a good place for thought and prayer and introspection. all of which i need right now.
i haven't told many of you yet but i made a significant and uniquely painful decision a week or so ago. major change in my life- probably the biggest one ever. it was the hardest thing i have ever done... well, second only to communicating that decision to the party involved. hardest and scariest and most painful, by far by far. but now the decision has been made, and life is somehow continuing to continue. that's the surprising thing, isn't it? that there can be death, and yet life goes on.
anyway i am lonely and it's all my fault. and i am so sad, and it's all my fault. and i am guilt-ridden, and it is all my fault. and lots of people are disappointed, and disappointed in me, and it is all my fault. the reasons leading to the decision are not all my fault, just partly my fault, but the decision was mine, and i accept that responsibility. it is difficult to bear, but i have to, because really, it is all my fault.
so.
it is hard to ask for help and support when you are the obvious cause of your own misery. i guess i don't feel like i am entitled to it. so i am feeling pretty lonely and alone, and i guess maybe that is all my fault too.
aaahhh!!
i can see this turning into and endless circle of pain and self-punishment. i guess what i should just do is say, i made this decision, i hope you can trust me that i made it in good conscience and with much prayer and thought and counsel... and now that i made it, and now that i'm sad, can you please offer me any kind of comort...? or... do i just have to suffer through it? is that the deal? you choose this thing, you suffer the consequences? i really have no idea how this is supposed to work. somehow i think that grace and forgiveness is supposed to factor in, but i don't really see that being played out too much. i feel a heavy burden. i feel a huge weight of responsibility. even though i still believe this is the best path, for everyone involved.
there is probably a book about this somewhere. i should probably read it.
in the meantime, think good thoughts about me, ok?
posted by saara at
7:13 PM
2 Comments:
I always think good things about you. I miss you and our sushi lunches. I hope that everything's ok and know that I'm always an email or phone call away if you need an ear!
By
Jen-Nay, at 21 February, 2007 19:39
My advice to you would be (and no, it won't be the last time): you want certain people to trust your good intentions, and you should also trust theirs. Help and support are not about entitlement, but love - love has nothing to do with what you deserve, doesn't even consider that a relevant question. Grace in abundance, yes, but don't distance yourself from the ones who love you because you're afraid it won't be there. They love you, and it will. Remember most of them have never done this before, either. The ones who want to help, may not know how... so reach out.
Hugs from me.
By
AlleyCat, at 01 March, 2007 09:40
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