seas

hello my lovelies


so i am in florida this week, and it is so sunny and warm and lush with palm trees, you wouldn't even believe it. such a nice change from the snows of frigid colorado.

i am here for work but i did have a few minutes free this afternoon so i went outside to the beach and stood in the sand with my feet in the water, watching the tide come in. the thing about the ocean, is that it is so big, you can just stand there and look out at it, and it never ends. it is very humbling.

there were two pelicans that flew by (they're miracles up in the sky) and endless seagulls. and on the shore, the little jello-y carcasses of some kind of jellyfish. lots of them. i touched them with my toe and they are surprisingly solid. firm. and gross, did i mention that? all rubbery and dead and flopping about in the tide. bleagh.

anyway i always find that the ocean is a good place for thought and prayer and introspection. all of which i need right now.

i haven't told many of you yet but i made a significant and uniquely painful decision a week or so ago. major change in my life- probably the biggest one ever. it was the hardest thing i have ever done... well, second only to communicating that decision to the party involved. hardest and scariest and most painful, by far by far. but now the decision has been made, and life is somehow continuing to continue. that's the surprising thing, isn't it? that there can be death, and yet life goes on.

anyway i am lonely and it's all my fault. and i am so sad, and it's all my fault. and i am guilt-ridden, and it is all my fault. and lots of people are disappointed, and disappointed in me, and it is all my fault. the reasons leading to the decision are not all my fault, just partly my fault, but the decision was mine, and i accept that responsibility. it is difficult to bear, but i have to, because really, it is all my fault.

so.

it is hard to ask for help and support when you are the obvious cause of your own misery. i guess i don't feel like i am entitled to it. so i am feeling pretty lonely and alone, and i guess maybe that is all my fault too.

aaahhh!!

i can see this turning into and endless circle of pain and self-punishment. i guess what i should just do is say, i made this decision, i hope you can trust me that i made it in good conscience and with much prayer and thought and counsel... and now that i made it, and now that i'm sad, can you please offer me any kind of comort...? or... do i just have to suffer through it? is that the deal? you choose this thing, you suffer the consequences? i really have no idea how this is supposed to work. somehow i think that grace and forgiveness is supposed to factor in, but i don't really see that being played out too much. i feel a heavy burden. i feel a huge weight of responsibility. even though i still believe this is the best path, for everyone involved.

there is probably a book about this somewhere. i should probably read it.

in the meantime, think good thoughts about me, ok?

v-day

feeling a little depressed today?

or maybe, just sick of the chocolates and roses and sappy cards and commercialism?

here's something to cheer you up- the list of what NOT to buy!

hello?

there is nothing so alone as being awake at three o'clock in the morning, in some hotel room.

oh. wow.

i bought a case of the new cherry zero coke.


just had my first taste.



wow.


you have GOT to try it.



(sure, come on over. i have a whole case, after all)

get your groove on!

this has had me cracking up all day!

self improvement

are there things you would like to change about yourself?

i have a few.

well, i have a few things i'd like to change about myself. i like you just fine exactly the way you are.

for example.

i would like to stop biting my nails. it is so gross. very un-hygenic. not to mention that it makes me look so unprofessional and so un-lady-like.

i would like to lose weight. not a whole lot, just 10 or 15 pounds.

i would like to be a better communicator. better at carrying conversations. i am a great listener- really top notch. i can empathize with the best of them. but when the other person is quiet, i generally find i don't have much to say. people sometimes interpret this as being uninterested or disengaged. but not so. i am just not a big talker. so i would like to be better, so that people feel like i am actively participating in the conversation, in the relationship.

i would like to eat more vegetables. they are so good for you. but i hate chopping. which is generally a prerequisite for eating them. sisko stocked up on vegetables this weekend, which makes me feel like a vegetable failure. (wow, stocking up on vegetables. that sounds like what i do with soap or paper towels. i think if i stocked up on vegetables i would also have to stock up on anti-mold products. which is not how i would like to operate.)

anyway. those are a few of the things that are on my mind today.

disappointed

also, i just have to say boooooo!! to the bears.


NOT strong work.


very disappointing.

better

so i had a very nice weekend, thank you. my friend kt came into town from hot-lanta and we found ourselves a nice little condo in a nice little ski town and hunkered down for a nice little weekend of cake and beer. and pizza. and maybe some wine. and how about a grilled cheese sandwich. it was gluttonous, and fabulous.

this was a very last-minute visit but we made the most of it. i hadn't seen kt for a year and a half, but we are the kind of friends that pick right up where we left off, as close as ever. which is very nice. anyway it was great to just chill, to catch up and get to have some good old fashioned girl time.

and no, in case you are wondering, we did not have a pillow fight.

so i am feeling stronger and calmer and like i'm not crazy after all, which, again, is very nice.

week ahead looks relatively quiet. a few highlights: lost comes back on wednesday night (!!!!), multiple meetings with Various Professionals on thursday, heading to detroit on friday/saturday (next time, goetzgirl!! have to come home quick for dad's birthday).


i am angry at my job and boss but i am going to keep doing my job so that they shut up about it.

otherwise... not much to report.

oh, except that on the way back from the nice little ski town, we stopped at the nice little outlet mall, wherein i made some nice little purchases. sweater and polo t from j crew, little wallety thing i had been craving from coach (happy birthday to me!), skirt and shirt and interesting suitish thing from banana republic. and some gloves from the north face. all in all, very successful. and i resisted the wheaties cycling jersey.

ok, time to work (just to stick it to them)

cheers!