habits

i've been thinking about this topic for quite some time and thought i'd put it out there. i have some bad habits. perhaps you do too. mine might be better or worse than yours. in fact, you might consider mine to be heinous. or you might think they are entirely inconsequential.

the fact is, i compulsively do things that i do not want to do.

i can't figure out why. and i can't figure out how to stop.

sometimes i can stop. take a break, if you will. i can distract myself, bribe myself, punish myself enough to stop for a while. sometimes days, occasionally months. but it always fails in the end, and i go back to doing that which i so do not want to do.

paul also mentioned something about this situation. i'm not sure if it is comforting, or dismaying, to know that he wrestled with the same issue.

the thing is, i am an intelligent, deliberate, dedicated, enthusiastic, and intentional sort of person. i go to the gym four to five times per week. my sock drawer is organized. my cds are in alphabetical order. the dog gets her shots on time. the dishwasher is routinely filled, run, and emptied. i live a controlled, orderly, mature sort of life. so why are there these things that i can't seem to get a handle on?

especially since these things are generally self-destructive? (and sometimes, just plain gross) (hence the term, bad habits). since the rest of my life is organized around being healthy and productive and responsible, it confounds me that these little (or big) things have such a degree of control.

sometimes, i know that i am about to engage in one of these bad habits. i tell myself, self, you do not want to do that. so then i do it, and i tell myself, self, you really should stop doing this. and then later i berate myself, self, you are a Bad Self and should not do that. and then perhaps i will vow to never do it again.

at least until next time.


(by the way, as i re-read this it strikes me that some of you might be alarmed by the tone of the opening. let me assure you that i am involved in no illegal seal-smuggling or casino-heisting or aything like that. as i said, you might find my bad habits to be entirely inconsequential)

update

as promised, the update.

i have been invited for a live and in-person interview and will be flying to denver on monday for an all-day-tuesday round of interviews.

so!

so.

eet's a rayce!

even though i have nothing interesting or profound to say at the moment (it being friday afternoon and time to go home), i have noted that sisko has 15 posts to my 17, and since i started first, i feel compelled to stay at least a couple of posts ahead. hence the current post, with which i pull ahead, 18 to 15.

poppin' my collar

well it has been a few days but we seem to be back on line... my computer at work has been replaced as of about 4:30pm today, which is a relief, although i must say i have gotten a lot more exercise over the past few days, walking hither and yon throughout the office on various missions. it has been nice to escape the confines of my cube more frequently. nice, i say, but woefully inefficient.

tonight is the Big Night, the Night I Look Forward To All Week. yes, you guessed it, it is Great Television Night. by which i am referring to, of course, lost.

i could write endlessly about this show. but since not many of you out there likely watch it, i would feel even more alone in my freakish addiction. so let's just leave it at, i am exceedingly happy that it is wednesday night at last.

i am still waiting to hear back about the job. it is making me feel embarrassed. i should never have told you that i had an interview, because now i will have to tell you that i am not quite what they are looking for at the moment, but they will certainly keep my resume on file for future reference.

anyway csi is a rerun tonight, which is why i am hanging out in here instead of rotting my brain away all evening.

one thing that i love, is wearing a bracelet that my friend mailed to me. it is silvery with flowers and little coloured stones in it. i love it, i smile every time i look at it, and it makes me think happy thoughts about her. i have received several gifts over the past few months that nearly took my breath away. not because they were particularly fancy or elaborate or expensive or anything, but because they were perfect for me, and i was amazed that someone knew me so well to find me such a perfect gift. it is touching (though that sounds inadequate) to be known, and thought of, and gifted so well.

alleycat and mr cat have invited us for a trip. to which i reply, yes please.

you know, i rather feel like i should think of something interesting to say before i start writing. i do have some thoughts, and some clever witticisms, and some memorable experiences, which i could share, but once i start writing i seem to become very boring.

oh but wow, i just got something real to share. i mean, Real.

camobunny just called and asked if she could list me as her emergency contact on an Official Document. she said it is because i am Responsible and Available but i secretly think it is because she thinks i am Great. this may be the first time a non-family member has me so listed. i am pink with being flattered and honored. (although of course i do hope no one ever needs to contact me for said emergency purposes)

so how about that.

everybody knows it's true

paul simon on the stereo, suomies making lihapiirakka, most of the weekend to-dos crossed off the list... i'm feeling pretty content

camobunny was singing up front in church today, i really wish you could hear her, her voice is amazing, so much soul leaping out of that body. it's smooth (like butta). plus she was wearing a pink sweater, so she definitely rated an a+ today

one thing i love to do, is grocery shopping. this is probably in part due to how much i love food, but it's so much more than that! i love the planning ahead, imagining cooking, packing my lunches in my mind, happily remembering that we're almost out of flour, so that when it's time to make pizza i am prepared... i love watching things stack up in the cart, arranging it so that the heavy items are at the back (in case of sudden stops) and keeping all of the cold things together. i love having a list, and crossing things off of it (and maybe even adding things already found, just for the pleasure of crossing them out). i love finding a good deal on something i like but don't really need, so that i can justify buying it. i love knowing that there is always something available for sandwiches. i love looking into other people's carts and silently congratulating myself on my far healthier food choices. i love unloading the cart onto the conveyer belt and lining things up in the way i would like them bagged. i do NOT love unloading the bags into the car, nor do i love lugging the bags up to my 5th floor apartment, but i do love unpacking everything onto the kitchen counter and seeing it all together, and then i love putting it all away, a place for everything and everything in its place.

i'm sure you're wondering, since you empathized so deeply with my sad friday evening, yes i finally bought the long-awaited corned beef! 2.19 a pound or something, and i got barely 2 pounds, so 5 bucks for my favorite dinner! suomies was not quite as ecstatic, but he'll suffer through it. the compromise was to agree to just corned beef and potatoes, hold the cabbage please.

sisko and her husband are skiing in chamonix this weekend, it is his birthday and hopefully they are having good snow and lots of fun. i can't wait to see them this summer.

it is great to have a sister by the way. if you can arrange it, i highly recommend it. well, i recommend mine anyway. but she is taken, so you will have to look elsewhere. but really, and i'm not sure if she shares this sentiment, but i'll throw it out there anyway, she is my best friend. she knows all of those things that i generally want to hide from other people, and she understands my family but loves them (us?) as much as i do, and she knows where i'm coming from (i guess both figuratively and literally). i think i have some mild to moderate issues regarding being the younger sister to a highly intelligent and hilarious and beautiful and successful person, but that does not diminish the fact that she is really quite fantastic. i'd like for you all to meet her, and i think you will agree.

hopefully my dinner awaits so i'll bid you good evening. since it is one, after all

fra hi dah hey

ok so i am home and it is 5:20 and i am incredibly grouchy. suomies is on his way home and i need to be nice because i am sure he has had a hard day as well, but i just have to say, i am completely grouchy.

my laptop at work is fried, it's really quite a problem. somehow the del key is stuck on, so that for example when i open outlook , it deletes everything in the inbox, and when i open internet explorer it asks do i really want to delete this shortcut? and when i type and hit home it deletes everything i have typed. it is a problem.

the subsequent problem is that i called our is department, who had the insight to ask, 'did you try restarting the computer?' yes, indeed i had. 'well did you try taking it out of its docking station?' i do not have a docking station. 'so you tried restarting it, right?' yes. 'hmmm.' (long silence) (i mean, LONG) 'i think you'll have to bring it in.' ("in" is the office downtown, quite some distance from my current location.) ok, i will bring it in. so i do. she takes the laptop, powers it up, and then (you guessed it) tries restarting it. incredibly, that didn't solve the problem. 'i'm going to have to call for service.' i'm sorry, did you just say, you'll have to call for service? am i in the information services department? are you not the people who are supposed to provide just such services? 'you should get this back in a week or two.' ah, a week or two. because really, having a computer is not CRITICAL to my job function.

so the next day (being, today) i went to work and sat at my desk and stared blankly at the wall for a while. it was almost surreal. then i got out some paper and a pen and walked around to all the different offices and asked people questions and wrote down answers, and then i made some phone calls, and then i got in my car and drove somewhere. i think this is going to be a great way to burn calories.

anyway if you know who i am and you want to email me at work, feel free, but i will not be able to read it.

so this is one reason why i am particularly grouchy. another reason is that i told a colleague at work about my upcoming departure, asking her directly not to share this information until i was ready to share it, and she turned around and told another colleague, one whom i expressly did not want to know. i told the team yesterday anyway, but i am quite irritated about it.

another reason is that someone complained about me (and to me) today that i went to a place she had suggested with suomies instead of with her. she is one of those very direct blunt people and it came across (to me, anyway, the sensitive non-confrontational one) as harsh. i'm sorry, but i'd rather go with him than with you.

another reason is that i had to pretend to care that another colleague (actually the same one as was told about my departure before i wanted her to know) has a job interview on monday, and she wanted me to read a recmomendation letter someone had allegedly written for her, that i am quite convinced she wrote for herself. i personally would not recommend her for any job. she is a nice person but a complete slacker and never takes any responsibility for her situation/performance, only makes constant excuses, which i cannot stand.

another reason is that it is st patrick's day and i forgot to buy corned beef, and so i am not going to get any, and i am so upset about it but suomies doesn't like it anyway so if i went out and bought some now not only would it take at least three hours to cook but then i'd have to pretty much eat the entire brisket myself, and i have too high of cholesterol to do that, and i have to suffer in silence.


ok so back to the issue of my upcoming departure.

my interview on wednesday went quite well i think, thank you very much for asking. it sounds like a very cool job (with one or two potential downfalls) and i think i made a good case for myself. the next step will be to go out there and meet them in person. i should hear if they want to do that sometime next week. so again, i will keep you posted.

well suomies is home and hungry, so i suppose i should go keep him company in the kitchen while he stares into the fridge and opens all the cabinets. i am not terribly hungry myself, i had lunch with camobunny today at a place called peacock cuisine, which was delicious, and i am still full. even though i would gladly sit down to a big plate of corned beef.

time is on my mind (yes it is)

so i have this big job interview today at 2:30. i have been running around all day, such a crazy day, and barely made it home in time for this interview.

it is now 2:48pm

i am not getting called from this place, for said interview.

i am starting to get concerned. have they forgotten me, did i give them the wrong phone number.

i call the office and as i am dialing i am realizing, this place is in denver. it is only 1:48 in denver. i am like 45 minutes EARLY

so now i am calling all of my OTHER afternoon engagements to cancel and i am breathing a bit of a sigh of relief but now i have to hang around and be nervous about this interview for another 40 minutes, instead of maybe being half done with it already

funnies from sisko

hee hee hee. camobunny i thinks we needs some of this

the presentation looms

a panic attack is defined as the abrupt onset of an episode of intense fear or discomfort, which peaks in approximately 10 minutes, and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

• a feeling of imminent danger or doom;
• the need to escape;
• palpitations;
• sweating;
• trembling;
• shortness of breath or a smothering feeling;
• a feeling of choking;
• chest pain or discomfort;
• nausea or abdominal discomfort;
• dizziness or lightheadedness;
• a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization;
• a fear of losing control or "going crazy";
• fear of dying;
• tingling sensations;
• chills or hot flashes.

the only difference being that my personal one will peak in about 60 minutes

happy pi day

so it is pi day (that is, 3.14, for those of you used to writing the date as 3/14. if we write it that way i guess i could wish you a happy three-fourteenths day)

i am thinking of the appropriate way to celebrate.

i am thinking, pumpkin is best

ah back on the blog. since we last spoke, sisko has created a blog of her own (everybody wants to be like me). it started off sounding High Brow and Academic but that quickly melted away into spam recipes and gym shoes.

so i am giving two 1-hour long presentations tomorrow, which is (are?) making me nervous. i do well at the whole public speaking thing, once i am actually doing it. it is the hours and minutes beforehand, as i am sweating and shaking and palpitating, that are so unpleasant. anyway if there is anything you want to know about giving blood, i am the person to ask.

we are thinking about our summer plans and sisko and her husband made an enticing proposal... i will keep mum about it for now, since we don't want to get our hopes up, and all, but it sounds fabulous. think sun and sea, and probably cats.

csi starts now. ciao

home sick

so i am home sick from work today. not super sick, more sicky than sick. in fact, i probably could have gone to work, but since i am Completely Adamant about other people not coming in to work sick, i figured i should practice what i preach, as it were.

also, it is So Nice to be home.

it's a bit gray and intermittently rainy outside (no i have not been outside. i do look out the windows however) and inside i have lamps on and i am still in my jammies and i am drinking diet 7up from my favorite mickey mouse glass. i am sure there is a huge psychology about why i am so fond of my mickey mouse glass when i am sick, but i do not want to hear it.

the d-o-double-g and the c-a-double-t are hanging out with me and playing nicely together today, it is very cute. to all of you who do not have pets, i say, you should really get a pet. it is nice to have other living things hanging about, even if they are just sleeping and stinking up the place much of the time, they are also furry and nice to you (when they are hungry) and you can talk to yourself and claim to be talking to the pets and thus not really be crazy.

i got a call about a job i had applied for in denver, and have set up a phone interview for next week. it would be Uncommonly Cool to get this job, (a) because it is a cool-sounding job and (b) because perhaps you do not know this but i HATE LOOKING FOR A JOB. i hate it, i truly do. it saps the life right out of you (or me, rather. perhaps you too). it is boring, and demoralizing, and you feel like a Perpetual Failure.

so this job is some kind of raising-awareness (and money?) and selling-the-mission job for a national nonprofit, something remotely similar to what i do now, and that i can conceivably do fairly well. i will keep you posted (actually i guess i will be doing the posting, but whatever)

so i slept in late, got up and had some cereal and read a couple of chapters of my new book, the tipping point, which is very interesting but so far i think it would have made a better essay than book, and then i went back to bed, and then i got up and called the afore-mentioned job, and then i made some popcorn, and now here i am. the d-o-double-g is happily cathing the popcorn that "falls" out of my hand and the c-a-double-t is eating the few that i toss his way as well (my cat eats peas...)

i wish i had something more interesting to say. i have this Unusual Opportunity to spend hours on the computer, and all i can come up with is this. i'm mildy ashamed, but i'm sure you'll forgive me. maybe i'm really just writing to prove to sisko (and myself?) that i am a Serious Blogger :o)

2 hours or so before suomies comes home, just enough time to pop in a movie perhaps.

harumph

so i told sisko (that is, my sister) about said blog and her response was:

I like your blog very much.
But I do not think you are a very serious blogger.

to which i say, harumph. i am trying to be a serious blogger but sometimes there is No Time... thankyouverymuch. the weekend was so busy that i feel it was no weekend at all, and now at work i am training two new people. the problem with training people is that you actually have to work. all day. because they are learning from you. and we wouldn't want them to learn Sloth and Work Avoidance now, would we? no indeed. so i sent them off to have a nice long lunch while i do a bit of 'work' of my own.

irregardless.

hah! do you hate that as much as i do??

lessons

one thing i was taught recently that i am trying to incorporate into my life:

do one thing every day that you don't want to do

this is hard. thankfully, sometimes God gives you a break (and you get their voicemail, instead of having to give them the bad news live)

feeding my addiction

most of the tax refund went (wisely) into the savings account, but i did manage to also purchase this isn't she beautiful?

thursday evening

i'm addicted to csi. i mean it. there are probably 14 things i should be doing tonight and instead i am staring mutely at the television, compelled to watch the dramaticized aftermaths of horrible crimes. why do we find these shows so compelling? is it just morbid curiosity? or hope, that if we ourselves were ever to meet the same gruesome fate, science and reason would find justice for us?

anyway tonight suomies and i are home with no plans other than just to hang, which is nice. "nice" seems inadequate, but i'm not sure how else to say it. it is good, capital-g Good. i made a (appropriately low-calorie, fiber-rich, high in lycopene) dinner and we opened a bottle of wine (half a bottle is too much for me on a school night... oops, too late) and kicked back on the couch with the afore-mentioned csi reruns. several episodes, back to back. there's really no excuse for this. i got new books, for CHRISTMAS already, and i haven't cracked them open, and yet i have time for this. it's a good thing mommee isn't reading this (yet) or she would scoff.

suomies calls from the other room "you're missing mxc" and so i suppose i have to heed.

i keep thinking about how many things i have to write about- but how do you start? how do you pick what to write about first?

i had lunch with my friend camobunny yesterday (why do i feel like i need to include "my friend?" obviously she is my friend, if i am having lunch with her. or perhaps she is my financial planner (financial panther, eh?). anyway, she is my friend. so there). it turns out that we are very different animals, she and i, and we approach things (what things? you ask. like food, and money) so differently. we have issues. it is so comforting to have a friend, who has issues too, who you can talk to, and who doesn't judge you (even if she secretly does think that your shoes are slutty). i walked away from lunch feeling so good- feeling like i am ok even though i have these weird struggles and my upbringing made me kind of kooky. someone understands me and doesn't care that i am kooky, cause she knows she is kooky too (koo koo kachoo)

so i am trying to lose weight (like always) and it is so frustrating because as soon as i try to lose weight i gain a ton, it makes me want to scream. but i am trying to finally be an adult about it and just try to keep on making the best choices that i can (no cholesterol-cream cone for me, thanks) and wake up stinkin early and go to the gym, and eat fruit and buy bread with at least 2 grams of fiber per 100 calories. also i have high cholesterol, which adds to the desire for screaming. so i am trying to not eat red meat and egg yolks and regular dairy products, and what kind of a life is that?

my dog is mildly ill in a profoundly unpleasant way but suomies (that is, my husband) is top notch and tending to the majority of the tasks associated with said unpleasantness.

i am trying to decide who to tell that i have a blog, and how one goes about the telling. i suppose i should be nonchalant. so far i have only told camobunny and suomies. so far, it has only been 2 days.

eats, shoots & leaves

the rule is: the word "it's" (with apostrophe) stands for "it is" or "it has." if the word does not stand for "it is" or "it has" then what you require is "its." this is extremely easy to grasp.

(thank you lynne truss)

i suppose i should start out by explaining the title

which is the first line of my favorite poem, living, by denise levertov

which i will post in its entirety below:

The fire in leaf and grass
so green it seems
each summer the last summer.

The wind blowing, the leaves
shivering in the sun,
each day the last day.

A red salamander
so cold and so
easy to catch, dreamily

moves his delicate feet
and long tail. I hold
my hand open for him to go.

Each minute the last minute.


do i have to explain what this means to me? it is the quintessential poem of summer... but it is so much more than that. it speaks of the value of the now, of the exquisite and almost painful poignancy of each moment. and commands us not simply to observe, or to regard, but to do these things in the presence of a god.



"Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write.... Ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write?" (Ranier Maria Rilke)

a small beginning

That was the real world: I have touched it once,
And now shall know it always.

- edward muir